


That Time Again

by Vera_lemur



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Buckets, Headcanon, Hermaphroditic Trolls, M/M, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Oral Sex, Quadrant Confusion, Tentabulges, Threesome - M/M/M, Voyeurism, headcanons gone wild, mentions of other pairings, quadrant abuse, will add tags as needed, will earn it's rating as chapters go on.
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-02
Updated: 2012-12-30
Packaged: 2017-11-20 03:26:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/580792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vera_lemur/pseuds/Vera_lemur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>*Smashing the fanon assumption that trolls need buckets for sex because they cum bucketfuls at a time*<br/>Trolls don't cum any more than you or I do. But when the drones come around once a sweep an entire bucket full of slurry must be presented or they will be culled. To facilitate this bucketful trolls go into a mating season and fuck like hopbeasts. This is all well and good, but what happens when your troll boyfriend hits his season and you're just a human with human limitations? And what's your human boyfriend going to say about it? Sucks to be Dirk sure, but it sucks to be his human boyfriend more! Remember kids! WWJED?<br/>What would Jake English do?<br/>*author is shot*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kimya](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kimya/gifts).



> The prologue is what a prologue should be. That which sets the stage for the whole story. As such there's a lot of background and plot here that really is just a nice powdered sugar layer over what is really shaping up to just be a really long PWP because i'm incorrigible like that. I'm INCAPABLE of just writing my PWP without any plot. Also it seems I have only 2 settings. Drabble, and NOVEL. If you don't want this to be abandoned halfway though, MANY COMMENTS AND CON-CRITS ARE NEEDED. I'm a feedback junkie. Please feed me.
> 
> More to do with our actually tagged lovelies in the first chapters, and practically no mentions of most of the other characters after this.

Being a teenager was one of the most awkward things a teenager could do. Being a Hero of a game that could create a universe is one of the more challenging things a teenager could do. The twenty of them had done both. And now they were able to finally claim their reward and move onto the most difficult, and awkward things a teenager could ever do.

Engage in a romance.

There had had to be some cultural shifting to make it all work. Kanaya and Rose were matespirits, and no matter how much Karkat bitched, cussed, and moaned that’s just what they were. It didn’t however, stop Kanaya from wanting to get her spade on with Vriska. The Jade blooded troll was still working out her feelings in that regard. Rose had gone through the completely human stage of being insanely jealous with dignified silence. She occasionally would randomly stab John through the throat without warning, but since the death was pointless there wasn’t too much harm done in the act. She eventually talked the whole thing out with Kanaya and forced herself to broaden her viewpoints.

The total population of the universe was currently a few planets of consorts and 20 more senescent beings. They would need to adapt to the Troll’s more broad definition of Romance, to help their races coexist easier. Not only that, but even WITH ectobiology, it would take a LOT to gain a working population that would be able to handle such things like agriculture, creation and trade of goods, and government. But that was for the decades to come. First both races had to coexist without killing each other. Again in some cases.

That was what they were doing now. Rose actually encouraged interspecies relations, though no offspring would be possible through such unions without the cloning equipment. If Humans or trolls succumbed to their baser desires one or the other race would be wiped out. None wanted that; even Eridan had learned the hard lesson about genocide and how it benefitted no one. Without this disgusting facet of his personality, Sollux almost called off their Kismesisitude. In desparate retaliation to ensure he didn’t lose yet another quadrant again, Eridan had nearly killed Jane. Somehow she’d talked him out of it with the knife to her throat. Dirk and Jake standing at the ready should he try it.

Feferi saw this and refused outright to go back to being moirails with Eridan. Her heart wasn’t in it, you couldn’t be real moirails if one of them didn’t want to be moirail anymore. Jane didn’t understand what a moirail was, but understood that Eridan just didn’t want to be alone and not only forgave him for the attempt on her life, (because really, by that time she was SO used to it) but said she’d like to be his friend, and that she believed that if he would be friends with her, he wouldn’t be so inclined to kill people.

Without even knowing that she was being one, Jane had become the perfect moirail. Eridan accepted, and later Sollux gave a 14 minute tirade about how infuriating and stupid Eridan was and they fought for a while and made out a little more, and once again Eridan was feeling secure with a kismesis and a moirail, though he never expected the two who had actually ended up filling his quadrants.

John ended up being roped into being Vriska’s moirail, and with her attitude gently tempered, she shyly asked if Tavros liked her or hated her. Tavros confessed he didn’t really hate Vriska, and in spite of all she’d done, never did. She looked hopeful until he further confessed that he didn’t like her and couldn’t, because he couldn’t trust her. So he offered his hand in friendship and said that the future isn’t set in stone, and maybe if she was lucky that might change.

They’re currently still doing that simple, “not ready to fill a quadrant yet but we’ll see” dance, though it frustrates Vriska terribly. Her mood swings keep John very busy, but he doesn’t mind because she’s one of the few people who shares his love for Nic Cage Flicks.

Dirk and Jake became boyfriends, NOT matespirits because that’s a troll thing, so they’re boyfriends and that is all there is to say on the matter.

Dirk had always been very specific about the terminology because he also had a certain thing going with Equius.

Equius called it vacillating, and Dirk always told him to shut up. Sometimes they were matespirits, communing happily over shared interests in robotics, horses, and sometimes Equius’ superior attitude and fake dignified poise made Dirk want to crush Equius into the nearest landmark. With Equius it was never the gentle sensuality and glowing passion it was with Jake. He never once hated Jake and couldn’t. Jake for his part, kept an open mind and possitive outlook about the whole thing.

Their relationship at least was much healthier than the clusterfuck Dave had landed himself in with Terezi and Karkat. Karkat and Dave had waxed black nearly from the off, though Dave found it endearing that Karkat wanted to have kinky hate sex with him. Karkat was flushing the purest red for Terezi, who silently rejoiced that he’d finally figured himself out. Just in time for her to have some kind of crazy flush crush on Dave. Dave pronounced her his girlfriend, and she Karkat’s matespirit which Karkat called cheating and Dave argued back that with troll human mixes they were making up the rules as they went along and so it was impossible to break a rule that hadn’t been made yet. Terezi giggled and ruled in Dave’s favor, which just pissed Karkat off to no end and well... in the end, Dave just had a lot of bite marks on him.

Things wouldn’t have been all that complicated if troll-human relation complications ENDED at who was with who and what did you call it if it wasn’t exactly a quadrant?

It didn’t.

Because now the kids are going to learn about the troll’s mating season.

End Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let it be known throughout the land that I am a feedback junkie and beg all that enjoy this fic and any others i write to please leave constructive criticism.
> 
> Gifted to Kimya, because she LOVES Equi and doesn't see him get enough love.


	2. Chapter 1: Blueberries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Jake/Dirk/Equius centric this time. Many thanks to the lovely commenters that listened to my pleas and fed the Feedback Junkie, even for a kinda vague prologue do-dad. YOUR REWARD IS THIS UPDATE. Editing the tags as i go. 
> 
> Lets do a Headcanon rundown for the chapter:   
> Trolls and humans have different senses of taste and smell. Terezi's cotton candy tastes horrible to dave, while his just smells nauseating to Terezi. They've tried. the taste pallet is off. Which is why though all trolls state that Equius smells bad, humans just think he smells like blueberries.
> 
> Trolls have a mating season where they go into heat. You know this to be a headcanon for the fic because it's in the summary you read that made you click this in the first place. It's pretty well explained in the chapter so i'm not going to say anymore on the subject, these notes are getting ramble-y.  
> So far these are the only ones that're relevant. so we'll leave it here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIGHT. So I posted this and got a dandy 5 hours of sleep. That's perfectly acceptable for someone with a full time job and also a workout appointment to keep in the morning right? No? Oops. Well you should be darn tootin GRATEFUL because i found two lovely little comments in my inbox and while i was going to WAIT to post the next chapter (because i got some of this shit prewritten) they made me feel so warm and fuzzy on a monday that i just said, NO. THE NEXT CHAPTER SHALL HAPPEN NOW.
> 
> Also, i KNOW that in canon Jake is currently being a massive douche nozzle in the comic. This is me formally saying FUCK THE CANON I DO WHAT I WANT. Which is also how everyone lives. Do you want me to EXPLAIN how they are all alive? NO because it would take CHAPTERS and only the Homestuck Theorists even care. I know they exist out there, I've seen their tumblrs. The shits pretty interesting if you don't have any appointments for the next, i dunno DECADE.

Jake sat in the kitchen wondering what the heck Equius was talking to Dirk about. There were literally no towels left in the blonde’s house because Dirk kept walking out of the room and grabbing some so Jake decided to start doing laundry. They were apparently going to need to wash the towels.

They’d been in Dirk and Equius’ workshop for over an hour, and Equius’ ripe smell was starting to permeate the house. Though the trolls all seemed to think Equius smelled foul when he sweat, to humans he kind of smelled a bit like blueberries. Dark and tart but not unsavory. By the same token it seemed as though Terezi’s sense of smell was similarly different. While to Jake’s tongue his own blood tasted of coppery iron, she tasted candy. This was extremely strange all around and made absolutely no sense what so freaking ever.

Jake was starting to crave pancakes and scones and tarts and all things that he could put blueberries in as he set a load of darks to wash. Did they have blueberries in the house? Even instant muffin mix would suffice at this point.

“Jiminy cricket, what the devil is making Equius sweat like he’s running a marathon in the desert? If he doesn’t knock it off I’m liable to lick him in front of God, Dirk and anyone who happens to passerby.” Jake muttered, “I need air.” Jake climbed to the roof of Dirk’s house and laid out on it. The expanse of sky and fresh air was familiar and comforting, the stars above him were foreign, but not unpleasant. It was early evening, and the night sky was mostly still the color of Equius’ blood.

“God’s saving grace, fuck it all.” Jake cursed and let an arm flop to cover his eyes. “Too much blueberries.” he mumbled, and took a nap in the fresh air.

~~~~~

Jake stirred at his name being called, “Hummn, wha?” he looked up, the sky was deepest navy and the stars had shifted over him, he’d slept for longer than he’d meant to. “Dirk?” Jake called, “I’m up here.”

Dirk and Equius opened the door to Dirk’s roof, and even with the breeze, Jake smelled the blueberries. Crap.

“Get up Lucy, there’s explaining to do.” Dirk said smiling down at Jake.

“Explaining can be done right here.” Jake said simply, moving to a sitting position with a jerk of his body, giving a quarter twist so he faced the two still in the doorway, and a leisurely curl of his legs so they crossed loosely. “What’s got Big Blue’s knickers in a twist?”

“Knickers and the general area therein is mainly what the explaining is going to be about. For the dignity of all involved, lets not make it too easy to eavesdrop on us.” Dirk said calmly, moving around Equius to head back inside.

Jake shrugged and followed Dirk back into the blueberry smelling house. Among the humans, Jake was the tallest. But when you included the twelve trolls, Gamzee reigned supreme even before his horns and Equius came in second. Tavros was getting a growth spurt and they’d yet to see where he’d end up in the height chart, but currently Jake was at least in the top 5. It was such a different feeling to see a person TALLER than he was. He’d grown used to being tall. His eyes rested rather solidly at Equius’ Adam's apple. And it seemed like the trolls were only going to grow taller too.

It boggled Jake’s mind sometimes.

Once inside Dirk sat, or rather flung himself purposefully unceremoniously onto the futon-made-sofa and held out his arms for Jake. Jake smiled warmly and sat in front of Dirk, so Dirk could hold him and Jake could feel his warmth.

Jake’s extreme delight at simple touch was never something that Dirk had ever teased him about. While Dirk had explained that he’d grown up alone and never had a presence to miss, Jake had been raised at least in the beginning by his grandmother. Jake had known the comfort of a warm embrace, the strength a hand to hold could give, and he’d missed it achingly so as he grew up on the island alone. Dirk was always willing to indulge him in his desire for touch, and sometimes Jake wondered if Dirk wasn’t just as starved for contact as he was. He would never voice this question though, because the answer didn’t matter.

Equius entered the room and sat in a desk chair with the same measured care that Jake observed he always used. He’d never asked about that either, nor commented on how Equius did not touch anyone, how he didn’t take items from people or ever place them in another’s hand. It hadn’t stopped Jake from noticing that Equius held out his hand for items to be placed into it, he would either drop an item in the waiting hand of another or hold it out with an open palm and wait for them to take it. He would not throw things, like drink pouches across the room. He would walk them to where ever they needed to go and deliver it in the manners that Jake had noted above. Equius was rarely touched by anyone save Nepeta and Dirk, but when he was it seemed to Jake that Equius moved with their motions, not was moved by them.

Always Jake kept his observations to himself, he’d learned some time ago that socialization via the internet did not mean one had social skills. He was most comfortable with his three friends from his own universe, and of course his grandmother from another universe, He felt like he knew John somehow, and he’d heard stories of Rose and Dave’s other universe valor from Dirk. He could get by with his semi awkward social skills.

Trolls were another matter entirely. They’re culture was completely... well... alien to him, so he tried to be more careful.

“So what’s up?” Jake asked Dirk as the other rested his chin on his shoulder. It was a good fit, because Dirk was long in the waist and torso, while Jake was all legs and arms toned to a perfect runner’s build, mostly because he often was running. For his life.

“It has come, once again to the time-” Equius started, but Dirk held up a hand and he fell silent.

“No offense, but I think if you explain it to him like you explained it to me, you’ll just confuse him.” Dirk said calmly, “I got this.”

Equius let his head tilt to the side in a surprisingly measured move and held a hand out in gesture for Dirk to please go right ahead.

“Your gran ever get to the lecture about the birds and the bees?” Dirk asked Jake. Jake was confused. He and Dirk were sexually active, even if his grandmother HADN’T left a video lecture about the birds and the bees, he sure as shootin’ knew about them now.

“I’m familiar with the subject matter.” Jake said cautiously.

“Do you like National Geographic Channel?” Dirk asked again. “Discovery?”

“They reminded me of home, just safer. Sure, I love those channels.” Jake said, now more confused than ever.

“You remember what usually rolls around every spring? That season where all life starts in new?” Dirk asked, hoping Jake would follow his line of questioning. 

It took a moment but Jake put “birds and the bees” “Discovery channel” and “thing that happens in spring” and asked, “Are you talking about mating season?”

“Right in one.” Dirk said, and gave Jake a quick kiss on the neck, the exact kind that made Jake ticklish. Jake squirmed in Dirk’s arms, a quick laugh on his lips even as his head reflexively hit his shoulder to defend his neck.

“Quit it, Strider!” Jake said, trying to compose himself, turning to look at Dirk, “You’re supposed to be explaining something!”

“I am explaining something.” Dirk said almost sagely, and he looked at Equius.

Jake followed Dirk’s gaze and looked at Equius too, who had begun to sweat from the scrutiny.

“Trolls have got one. It’s kinda ingrained into their species.” Dirk explained while they both looked at Equius, who seemed uncomfortable, though he didn’t complain in the slightest, “They don’t know if the drones started coming at this time of year because they hit their mating season or if the drones coming started a frantic need that evolved into a mating season. The whole thing is pretty chicken and egg, but the point is, that all 12 trolls have got it in their brains that at a certain time of year that it’s time to hunker down and mate like frenzied rabbits.” 

Jake nodded, he was starting to see where this was going, “Equius needs you. You’re both his black and his red quadrant thingy. He’s going to need you a lot during this time so you can help him through his... heat? No wait, that’s females I think, isn’t it rutting for males?”

Dirk waved that off, “That’s neither here nor there. And if I were a troll, then it wouldn’t be any problem, I’d be just as much in need and able as Equius will be. But I’m not. I’m human and I have a limit. Equius went through one year of this with no quadrants except Nepeta, and she isn’t the right quadrant for this sorta thing.” Dirk whispered into Jake’s ear, “Big blue hit puberty really early compared to the rest of them,” before continuing at regular volume, “From what he remembers he ate loads, slept very little and had to relieve himself nearly constantly. With no one to help him through it, it wasn’t a very pleasant time. The next time the time of year, or really I should say sweep, occurred he was dead and it didn’t matter. I’m just seriously not going to be able to handle that.”

Jake nodded, looking at Equius in sympathy. The troll was sweating so much that Jake seriously thought he had blueberries in his mouth for a moment. GOD, he wanted blueberries, how did Dirk not have cupboards full of the stuff?

“Equius has explained this to me and I can already tell that if I try to handle it on my own I’m going to end up injuring myself and or having to sleep and leaving Equius without someone to tend to him for long periods. If I try to do this myself it’s going to end up miserable for both of us. I’ve suggested that Equius find someone to just ride out the season with but he refuses to pail with any troll that is not his quadrant.” Dirk paused, and again Jake turned to look at his boyfriend, he brought a hand up to cup Dirk’s face, his brow furrowed in concern. This sounded bad.

“This is a lot to ask of you. And I’m only asking you to consider it, not that you have to or that I want you to do anything, I just want to know what you think of it... But I have to ask you, would you be willing to help Equius when I can’t?”

Jake blinked, and looked from Dirk to Equius and back again several times.

“Help him... like how?” Jake asked through the blueberries in his mouth he felt like he had blueberries bouncing around in his brain. “You mean... You want me to...” Jake trailed off, trying to visualize and not visualize having sex with Equius over a pail.

“I would like to interject that I am not seeking to pail you, Page.” Equius spoke up from his seat.

“Definitely not.” Dirk said, “I mean, like that it makes it sound like I’m tag teaming with you on Equius. That’s not what I’m asking you to do. He just... I don’t want him to be alone for this season.”

“What would be asked of me?” Jake asked, unsure if he should look at Dirk or Equius at this point.

“I’ll need to eat often.” Equius said matter of factly, “The state I will be in will take a great deal of sustenance to maintain. Ensuring that there is food readily available for me would be a large part of the responsibilities you would take on if you were to agree to help me.”

Dirk nodded, humming his agreement into Jake’s back, “I’m going to be dead honest with him.” Dirk said, obviously addressing Equius now, “You’re not going to like what I have to say, but I don’t want to have to order you not to interrupt me.”

A fresh wave of sweat and blueberries bloomed, and Equius nodded, crossing his arms and waiting for Dirk to speak, “Jake. Equius is going to need more than food. While I’m asleep he’s going to need to get off. Again, no one’s asking you to do anything you don’t want to do, but it would really relieve the pressure Equius will be feeling if you would make him relieve himself into the bucket. Equius’ got it bad for all things authority and if you get all drill sergeant on him, he does exactly as he’s told.”

Dirk took off his shades and looked very seriously at Jake, “I’m serious. Most people think it’s just a joke but if abused someone could make Equius really hurt someone or himself. Asking you to do this is a BIG thing, and I don’t trust anyone more than I trust you. Equius is just as precious to me as you are for similar yet very different reasons. Would you think about helping me help him?”

Jake felt his heart break and wondered if Dirk was accidentally tugging at his heartstrings, then waved that off. He turned to look at Equius.

“If you were the one sitting here, with your lover asking you, to please help his other lover through a difficult part of his sexual life cycle, Would you do for that person what’s being asked of me?” Jake asked.

“I would have to be truly devoted to said matespirit of mine. And even if I were, if I were not 100% certain that I would not manipulate my matespirit’s lover for selfish reasons, I would decline to preserve my matespiritship.” Equius said after only a moment.

Jake nodded. It was a huge thing. And he had to ask himself if he had any part in him that would use and abuse Equius while he would be vulnerable in the extreme. “Your judgment would be impaired? You would be desperate, even manipulative yourself?” Jake asked.

“While I went through my first season,” Equius began heavily, “I felt like I would have given every possession I had for a little contact. I barely stopped myself countless times from asking my neighbor Vriska over, the only thing stopping me at the time was her own spade being filled already, and that would have been the only quadrant I might have been able to tolerate with her. I was nearly incoherent at times.”

Jake nodded, he didn’t think he could have it in him to try and take advantage of such a poor soul.

“I’m sorry for your pain.” Jake said with sincerity. “I don’t want you to go through it again. If you hurt, Dirk will hurt, and I’ll feel it. I’ll do what I can.”

Equius nodded, “I am in your debt, Page.”

“No, you just have a good kismespirit thingy.” Jake said with a grin.

“There is no such quadrant. Do you mock me?” Equius said, standing slowly. 

Dirk shoved Jake so hard he landed on his side, laying out on the futon, he got out a muffled, “Hey!” before he heard Dirk, “Don’t mind him. He’s my charming idiot.”

“This charming idiot can have you sleeping by yourself in a hot minute bucko!” Jake said, pushing himself up.

Dirk only shrugged, slipping his shades back over his eyes, “I’d love to see you try it English.” He turned to look at Equius, “Don’t mind us, this is a human thing.”

Equius nodded, “It … It is fascinating. Your words would suggest spades and yet, from what I know of humans, all I sense between you is the flushest of hearts. You will e%plain this to me at a later date, Strider.”

Dirk let his head roll along with his eyes, “Command me harder big boy.” he said with a smirk.

Obviously accepting this as a convoluted Strider goodbye, Equius turned to leave, “Hey.” Dirk called after him, and Equius stopped, “I’ll be coming to check on you.”

“There is no need, I will of course inform you when my season has hit.” Equius said, “Both of you.”

And he left.

Dirk checked on Equius three times a day anyways.

End Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let it be known throughout the land that I am a feedback junkie and beg all that enjoy this fic and any others i write to please leave constructive criticism.
> 
> Gifted to Kimya, because she squeed when she found out i was writing this and is ever one of my main muses for the work.


	3. Chapter 2: Jealous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AND SO THE SEASON BEGINS.
> 
> I am posting this later than i originally intended but work, being sick, and proper attendance of a friends birthday party prevented much net life.
> 
> Headcanon Rundown:  
> Trolls do not have human like penises for reproductive anatomy. They're an alien species, why would they have dicks? Also, I asked Kimya, whom this is written for, and Kitkat who betas for me often "tentabulge or no tentabulge?" i was greeted with a fervent "Why on earth would you NOT do tentabulge?!" and a "OMFG PLEASE TENTABULGE." I cannot resist my two leading ladies. Therefore tentabulge.
> 
> Oral Sex isn't something that is particularly DONE on alternia, what with fangs and kismesises and potential for accidents.

It turned out that part of “caring” for Equius in his “time of need” involved moving in with the troll. And when Jake thought about it, it did make sense, that Dirk would need to be on hand at all times, and if Dirk was recovering then Jake would need to be available quickly. There was no point in travel time when it was easier to just move in for the time being. 

After a quick tour of Equius’ hive Jake insisted that two human bathrooms and bedrooms be added before Equius’ season hit. The blue blood obliged, Jake was given leave to decorate the room he would use for himself however he wanted, but really, the only thing he ended up doing was painting the walls a bright green and sky blue. It helped him breathe easier. He left the window open so that the paint fumes would be gone by the time he would be staying in the room and decided to just bring all of his belongings in his sylladex instead of making new ones. Steadily he and Equius stocked up on food both human and troll, and the troll taught him how to cook some of Equius’ favorite dishes. Jake tried his best to make the meals palatable, but when his sense of taste was just, off, he couldn’t tell if he was doing something right. Equius made himself several meals and Jake stowed them in his refrigerator cube and kept a cookalizer in the troll’s kitchen. It was just easier that way.

~~~~~

Jake thought he remembered reading somewhere that life happens at the most inconvenient moments. Regardless of the source of the phrase it was what was playing through his mind when Dirk ceased biting his nipple to answer a ping from his pesterchum. “Equius.” Was all Dirk said before he was off the other boy and captchaloguing things left and right.

Really? NOW? When he was half hard and would really have appreciated having Dirk to himself for another half hour at least? Jake wanted to yell at someone, but he only punched the sofa underneath him a few times before he started captchaloguing a good chunk of his bedroom. While Dirk was taking more toys and bathing things than clothes, Jake took his wardrobifier as he didn’t plan on wandering the house(hive) naked. Dirk wouldn’t give a damn, Equius might not have enough wits about him. Jake was just going to have to get used to it. Oh blimey, what had he agreed to?

~~~~~

As soon as they got inside the door Dirk tensed like he did when he was strifing with something dangerous, “Shit. Waxing black,” He muttered under his breath, “Get out of here, go to your room, it’s not exactly safe in here right now.”

Jake only had the vaguest idea what Dirk meant, but he did as he was told. Jake could already tell it was going to be a long night.

~~~~~

The noises that were coming from the upstairs room had Jake wrapping his arms around a pillow and shoving his face into it so hard that he was pretty much suffocating himself. If Dirk screamed much louder he doubted he was going to be able to take it. His didn't know how to deal with hearing their black romance. It sounded like Dirk was in pain, and every so often he heard the sudden sound of something impacting skin and JUST when he was sure he should go and save his boyfriend from the rampaging troll he would hear a throaty cry of “YeeEESSSS! AGH! HARDER YOU LIMP WRISTED SONOVABITCH!” or similar. It would stop him in his tracks every time.

He hadn't known his boyfriend could sound like that, or demand more pain so insistently. Insults, filtered down from where ever in the hive Dirk and Equius had encountered one another, and Jake honestly just wanted to ignore his erection and get some sleep. He would need to be there for Equius when Dirk was not after all. That meant now was the time for him to rest as much as possible.

“EITHER YOU FUCKING LEARN TO CANE A BASTARD PROPERLY OR I’LL FUCKING BREAK OFF YOUR OTHER HORN AND FUCK YOU WITH IT TILL YOU BLEED.”

Jake hoped that Equius would not demand much black rom during the season, Jake wasn’t sure he could take it.

~~~~~

The sounds died down, and Jake emerged exhausted from his room to move into the kitchen he poured himself a glass of water, and prayed for the berry wine his grandmother made and let him have on special occasions like Christmas. The wine was sweet, went down easy and smoothed his rougher edges like the ones he felt today. Jake let the water settle in his stomach before he contemplated taking something for the headache he was feeling now.

Equius rounded the corner, absolutely reeking of blueberries. He had on his shorts, the button on top was buttoned but Jake noticed that the zipper was down, obviously the shorts had been an afterthought. Equius looked only barely there, and hungry enough to eat the countertop, so Jake quickly brought of a meal from his refrigerator cube and cooked it on the cookalizer and passed it to Equius with a set of silverware that Equius had pointed out during one of Jake’s cooking lessons.

“Eat up, you need your strength.” he said, and whether Equius obeyed the sort of order, or if he just then figured out what to do with the plate of food in front of him, Equius started eating.

“How are you doing?” Jake asked, keeping the counter between them, He’d not forgotten the sounds his boyfriend had made, sounds Equius must have dragged out of him with unwavering delivery of pain.

“Still, a little clear headed. It is only the first night, I will grow worse.” Equius reported between bites, “You would do well to remember not to touch me, especially later on.” Jake nodded, unsure what to say.

“You heard what went on, last night.” It was a statement so Jake didn’t bother to answer. “I do apologize, we did not make it to one of my reinforced rooms. Black rom between trolls is violent and unknown. With a human there must be a certain amount of control and loss of control. Dirk prefers when I am in less control. I would ask that if I am driven to carelessness and Jane must be called, you will not think too poorly of me.”

Jake said nothing, Equius nodded. His plate empty, he stood up and made to put it in the sink. “I’ve got that.” Jake said, holding up a hand to stop Equius from getting closer to him. “Do you need me for anything else?”

“No, I am in enough control of myself I can seek my own release.” Jake noted that after a certain point, he would have to instruct Equius to do so.

“If any clothing survives, throw it out into the hall. I’ll gather it up and wash it if necessary.” Jake told Equius’ retreating back, but he saw the troll nod before he stepped through the doorway and out of sight.

~~~~~

The first close call was on the third day. By that point Jake had worked out a system with Dirk, when he saw him for meals, that Dirk would try to keep all “liaisons” (Jake’s word, that Dirk used only to keep Jake’s already fraying nerves steady) behind closed and preferably locked doors. Any closed door Jake refused to enter, even if there were no noises or smell of blueberries coming from behind it. Every so often in the moving from one room to another there would be... debris. Jake took it upon himself to clean this, knowing that the two of them would be walking around barefoot more often then not. He gathered the clothes, which at first there were none salvageable, and washed them. It didn’t matter if they were Dirk’s or Equius’ clothes, they all positively reeked of blueberries.

By the third day Jake was almost used to the blueberries. Around midday Jake had heard the door fly open and bang against the wall. There was a thud against the wall, the crash of something falling to the ground, and then a slamming door.

It was funny. Dirk and Equius had kicked up such a fuss about how important and a huge decision it was to ensure that Jake was willing to take care of Equius. It turned out that was no problem what-so-ever. The main problem came from wanting to give his pistol a blowjob and pull the trigger. The sounds of rabid sex with his boyfriend, sounds that he was NOT causing were driving him insane. He felt neglected, then guilty for being selfish, then entitled to want sex with his boyfriend, to insensitive to Equius’ situation, then bitter because at least Equius was getting laid, then repentant. The thought process cycled through a few other emotions too, but it always wound it’s merry way back around to the beginning again.

It was this train of thought, merry-go-round, cluster-fuck that had been occupying his thoughts as Jake moved into the hall he’d heard the noises coming from. There were clothes on the floor again, and with a heavy sigh and a loud internal dialogue about becoming a housekeeper, Jake started to pick them up.

A moan caught his attention, mostly because it was Dirk’s that told Jake that whatever was being done to him, Dirk had LIKED it. He wondered if the door to the room they’d ducked into had been left ajar somehow, because the noises didn’t sound like they were coming from behind a door. Perhaps today Jake would give in and just masturbate in his bathroom. Having collected all the clothes, Jake stood upright again and saw that the door had indeed been left ajar.

But neither Dirk nor Equius had gone inside.

Dirk had one leg wrapped around Equius’ head, the other curled around the troll’s wide back, one hand was gripping Equius’ undamaged horn like a lifeline and the other was tugging on a fistful of the long dark hair. His shades were absent, probably in his sylladex for safekeeping and his hips were rolling languidly into Equius’ mouth. As was often the case with Dirk Strider, once you broke his cool during sex, the faces and noises he made were priceless and hotter than fuck.

Dirk was covered in healing bruises, which he had long ago explained were the results of Equius’ abnormal strength. There were still cane marks, some claw marks, bruises in the shape of hand prints, and what were probably hickeys. And if that weren’t bad enough Equius’ … culmination had been left on Dirk’s face, staining his skin the prettiest sort of blue...

Jake was ashamed that he got aroused when he registered that particular detail.

“Gog, yes. Slower. Oh, fucking Christ make me burn for it.” Dirk grit out, eyes screwed shut as he very obviously struggled not to touch himself or Equius any more than he already was. “You sure there’s no such thing as a blow job on Alternia? ‘Cause you’re just a little too fucking good at this.”

It sounded like the worst pickup line ever and it still made Jake throb in his tightie whities. Equius gave a kind of fevered groan in response and Jake watched Dirk’s cock slide in and out of Equius’ mouth, blue saliva staining Dirk’s erection nearly purple.

The sound that left Jake’s mouth was the softest moan, but both Dirk and Equius somehow heard it. Equius pulled off of Dirk’s cock faster that what could have possibly been comfortable, and Dirk’s orange eyes snapped on Jake with an expression that was a mixture of surprise and “oh shit.”

Equius held Dirk as he slid the other down the wall, never taking his too focused eyes off Jake. It only took the troll one step towards Jake for several things to happen.

One, Jake saw a troll full frontal naked for the first time, and dimly realized that what he was seeing at Equius’ groin, must be a ‘bulge.’ It wasn’t close to human, and looked like something out of one of Dirk’s ironic Japanese pornos.

Two, Jake’s eyes began to sting from the intensity of the blueberries in the hallway.

Three, Dirk moved to put himself in between Equius and Jake, “Not your quadrant Big Man. That’s all me.”

Four, Jake finally admitted he was jealous.

As Dirk lead Equius into the room they didn’t quite make it into before Jake silently confirmed to himself he was jealous. The only scary part was he didn’t know who he was jealous of.

End Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let it be known throughout the land that I am a feedback junkie and beg all that enjoy this fic and any others i write to please leave constructive criticism.
> 
> Gifted to Kimya, because she hasn't been feeling well lately and i thought an update would cheer her up.


	4. Chapter 3: Bucket

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Interlude chapter. Short... not much action. Poor Christmas present for you all... I know, I'm sorry.

Jake didn’t make it to the end of the first week before he gave in to the temptation to masturbate to the sounds of his boyfriend having sex with his troll-boyfriend. Equius would usually show up around the kitchen at random hours and if Jake was there he’d make Equius something to eat, if he wasn’t he’d made sure there was food readily available for the troll. The smell of blueberries never left the house, and Jake just couldn’t get used to them enough that he stopped noticing the smell of them. Dirk was starting to show signs of wearing out, and Jake knew that he just couldn’t keep up this constant sex forever.

“How long does this season last?” Jake asked Dirk during a rare moment where Equius was sleeping and Dirk was hungry at the same time.

“There’s a bucket. Once he and I fill it, we’ll be good.” Dirk said over a bowl of chicken alfredo. Dirk was on his fourth glass of orange soda, Jake was already thinking about when he could make time for a trip out to the alchemiter to make more.

“A bucket.” Jake said flatly, and Dirk nodded as though buckets would be perfectly natural and appropriate in a sexual encounter. He was on his second bowl and working his way straight on through to a third which Jake already had at the ready.

“It’s what they collect the mutual troll jizz in to send to the giant monster thing that lays troll eggs. They can’t reproduce without the mom grub acting all queen bee even though she’s totally not a troll at all.” Dirk paused to belch spectacularly from all the rapid intake of soda and food.

“So do trolls cum a lot?” Jake asked, pushing the bowl in front of Dirk when he polished off his second bowl. Dirk only shrugged.

“No more than you or I do.”

Jake blanched, “How big is this bucket?”

Again Dirk shrugged between mouthfuls, “About your standard mop bucket.”

Jake’s knees buckled from under him and he caught himself on the counter top, “That’s no mean feat!”

“Which is why it’d be great if you could get him to whack off into the bucket while I’m sleeping.” Dirk said over a forkful of chicken and pasta, “I’m not built for this shit. Luckily he drips precum like a broken faucet. It helps.”

“Fucking blueberry syrup.” Jake muttered as he gathered the dishes and started to wash them.

“Yeah, Big Blue smells like a fruit cup.” Jake didn’t want to deal with the pang of neglect he felt at the tone of affection in Dirk’s voice. To make sure Equius didn’t think that Jake was trying to interfere with his quadrantmate, Jake was a no touching zone. Dirk hadn’t held him since the night on the sofa when Dirk had gotten the text, and likewise Jake didn’t touch Equius lest he open himself up as an unquadranted free for all.

“He doesn’t want me to make him get himself off.” Jake said as he scrubbed the bowl by hand despite a perfectly functional dish washing machine. It gave him something to do with his hands. “I noticed that when he comes into the kitchen for food. He’s not exactly all there, but he gets all tight shouldered when I ask if he needs to relieve himself.”

Why did he go and tattle like that? Jake furrowed his brow, did he WANT to make Equius cream himself into a mop bucket? God please say no. That would be even worse than the time he’d fucked himself on his colt python. Yes, he had a gun fetish, no he never did that again. … Much. Oh god, he just might do it tonight. Jake was feeling THAT desperate.

“That’s not good, what’s the point of asking you to stay here if he’s not going to let you help him.” Dirk said, pushing his bowl away half eaten. “I’m full. I’m going to go sleep some while I can.”

“Sleep well,” Jake said, moving to give Dirk a kiss goodnight as he always did, but Dirk stepped back.

“Bucket’s not filled yet.” Dirk said sadly, and left the kitchen with another mighty belch.

Jake contemplated giving his Beretta a blow job again for a whole seven seconds.

“If I don’t win all of the awards for best boyfriend on this, or any side of the frog universe then I’m going to go insane.” Jake muttered, moving to clean the kitchen.

End Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let it be known throughout the land that I am a feedback junkie and beg all that enjoy this fic and any others i write to please leave constructive criticism.
> 
> Gifted to Kimya, because she she's been squeeing about Equius and Dirk and English so much in light of recent updates.


	5. Chapter 4: Longing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jake has a wank and shit tons of guilt and Equius has a wank too.
> 
> Headcanon Rundown:  
> Troll have super smelling senses, Terezi's is just hyper, not merely super.

Trolls, as it turns out, have an acutely powerful sense of smell. It’s not easy or rather possible for a human to have a chemical reaction like arousal and all nearby trolls not knowing it. This information was probably communicated to Jake at some point or another, but it hadn’t seemed really relevant at the time. But it was this bit of information that would have been useful during the second close call.

Jake was feeling drained, babysitting Equius in between rounds of sex was the most emotionally taxing thing he’d ever done. And Jake had defeated the batterwitch (with help of course, but still). Jake chalked it up to some horrid teenaged thing coupled with sharing of one’s boyfriend.

He still felt awkward masturbating by himself while he listened to Dirk and Equius have sex. Sometimes he would just try to jack off in the shower in hopes the water would drown out the sounds, even though it never completely worked.

It was becoming the bleak norm for Jake to feel both sexually frustrated, and emotionally erratic. In an effort to be culturally aware that Equius was the one in an extremely delicate mental and physiological state, Jake refrained from complaining about his situation to Dirk, and at the blonde’s behest, Equius would occasionally relieve himself in the bucket at Jake’s instruction.

In another room.

With the door closed so Jake couldn’t see.

Which was next to pointless because Jake could still HEAR it and smell the overripe blueberries that was Equius’ genetic material. Blueberry scent was starting to get Jake hard just by association with Equius. Jake’s fingers were stained a light purple from eating them in his room.

It was these same fingers that Jake stuck in his mouth and sucked on while he beat out yet another solo act in the shower. He hadn’t even bothered to put soap to his body, the pretext was just exhausting, there was no one to impress or even to notice if he washed himself every time he darted into his bathroom and the thought was a little depressing. Depressing was not getting him off so he set the thought aside for more pleasant ones.

Dirk's black and purple and blue stained skin.  
Equius’ half glazed eyes because he’d lost his shades some time ago.  
Shouts of pain and groaning pleasure.  
The ripple of Equius’ back muscles as he ground into Dirk.  
Dirk’s erection surrounded by Equius’ writhing bulge.

It was at times like this when he came not from thinking just about his boyfriend, but a combination of Equius and Dirk where Jake thought that he was not the right person to be taking care of Equius while Dirk couldn’t. The possibility that he could cross the line from caretaker to taking advantage of was just getting larger and larger.

That it could even be an issue made Jake feel like dirt. Fuck he needed a vacation from this shit.

Jake turned off the water, not bothering to actually wash himself since the shower had already erased the evidence of his recent orgasm, and stepped out of the shower. Toweling himself off and throwing on sweatpants and a tank top, Jake looked over his shoulder when he heard rustling coming from the direction of the kitchen. Equius was hungry and Dirk was likely passed out. Duty called. Jake slipped on some shoes.

The blueberries were inescapable, not that Jake wanted to escape them at this point. He pulled out a big meal and quickly heated it, setting it on the counter with a set of silverware. This was routine, and Equius was so hungry all the time now a days that he tore into the food without being told. He would eat seconds and then thirds, which Jake had readily available. It had taken only a day for Jake to realize that getting the codes for all of Equius’ meals as well as some of his own would only be beneficial if Jake couldn’t make the food himself. He would make more to replace what Equius ate.

If he was going to get off to selfish thoughts of getting in the middle of Equius’ quadrants and having sex with one or either of them during Equius’ season, it was the least he could do to at least go through the motions of being the best caretaker he could be. Even if he wasn’t.

There was that depression again. It was a new sensation for Jake, and he didn’t like it. Equius moved from his second plate to his third and from the slower speed which he ate with, Jake could tell he would not be needing fourth helpings, so started collecting the dishes.

There was a very simple to use machine for cleaning them, but using it didn’t give Jake anything to do with his hands for 30 minutes that didn’t involve jacking himself off or pulling his hair out.

Household chores were something of a godsend actually. It gave Jake a small window of time when he didn’t feel like an asshole or completely pathetic, but useful and productive and guiltless. He found himself doing things the long way just to eat time, finding things to clean that probably he would have left untouched but for twice a year in his own hive -- HOME. Shit.

“Fucking blueberries.” Jake muttered, moving the last dish to the drying rack and grabbing for the clean plates from the previous meal, and moving about to put them in their various cabinets and drawers.

When he heard Equius shift behind him Jake only assumed that Equius was leaving the room as he often did. The smell of blueberries getting overwhelmingly strong should have been a hint that this wasn’t true.

By the time Jake had put away the last plate, Equius had quite literally invaded Jake’s space.

Equius leaned down to observe Jake, his face was flushed, his eyes were focused but not all together present, his skin was damp, he was again shirtless, but this time the zipper was up and the button was undone.

Equius did not touch Jake, likewise Jake did not move for fear of Equius bumping into him.

“You.” Equius’ voice was raspy from frequent impassioned shouting of even more frequent copulations. “You smell.”

The statement, coming from “Mr. I-sweat-blueberry-farms-by-the-hour” was downright ridiculous, and to confirm this, a snicker made it past Jake’s lips before he caught it. Equius continued, undeterred, “You smell, like you want to join us.”

It was true, it was completely true and Jake had been thinking about it for days actually but when faced with the reality of it straight from Equius’ half dazed mouth, Jake shook his head in denial.

“You reek of unresolved lust. Your scent reaches out for me like a wiggler does his lusus. You want me. You want Dirk. You have neither.”

Again, all Jake could do was jam his eyes shut and shake his head no, as though that would make the ideas go away.

“You could have both. If you chose to fill my quadrant.” Jake’s eyes snapped open to look at the semi fevered expression on Equius’ face. ‘Dirk has no idea where you are, or what you’re saying/doing.’ He thought. Equius brought up a hand to trace the air around Jake’s face, and Jake reached a new level of low as he thought about all the things WRONG with that proposition but still couldn’t drum up the ability to immediately refuse.

“Your judgment would be impaired? You would be desperate, even manipulative yourself?”

“While I went through my first season, I felt like I would have given every possession I had for a little contact. ...I was nearly incoherent at times.”

Jake forced himself to steady and looked up at the troll so close to him that if he breathed in too deep, he would touch the other’s chest, and again felt the sympathy that he’d felt the night Dirk had asked him to help get Equius through his season. More of the conversation started to come back to Jake and he let out a long breath and straightened.

“Step aside.” He told Equius, very firmly, and was almost a little sad when the blueblood did as instructed. Setting his jaw Jake moved past Equius and was going to hide back in his room when he realized that would be admitting defeat. He needed to help Equius release some of the strain in his shorts anyways. “Wait here.”

Jake went to get the bucket that Dirk had set out for Equius to use solo. He used a glove to pick it up and he carried it to the kitchen. Setting it down in the middle of the floor Jake stepped back and folded his arms. “You know what to do here.”

Equius went blue in the face in what Jake supposed was a blush, “I know you don’t like doing it in front of me.” Jake said, keeping the firm even tone from before, “You’re going to deal with that. The last thing we need is you not respecting the idea that I am not here for you to couple with ole chap. You need release, and this is as close as you’re going to get to getting that release from me.”

Equius moved to step towards the bucket, looked at Jake, and flushed blue again. With a sigh, Jake added, “I don’t have all day. Get over the bucket, get off, get out.”

It occurred to Jake of course that he was being no small amounts of rude to Equius, but firstly the troll seemed not to mind, and secondly it was nice to lash out in this small way all of Jake’s frustration and jealousy even if it was only in some harsh words to get Equius to beat off into a bucket. He would doubtlessly feel endless amounts of guilt for it later.

But at the moment Equius was kneeling next to the bucket. There was a squirming in the front of his pants, a flash of blue in the little “v” where Equius had neglected to button his button, and in a smooth yet desparate movement, Equius brought his bulge out of his shorts.

To say that trolls didn’t have similar genitalia to humans was a ludicrous understatement. Trolls were hermaphrodites as a species, which meant that Terezi and Aradia had a bulge and a nook just like Equius and Karkat. Nooks were at least similar to human lady parts, it was the bulges that threw everything off the track of “similar yet different” down the canyon of “what the ever shitting fuck?”

It was his second time seeing a troll bulge unsheathed, (usually when trolls aren’t aroused their bulges are hidden behind a bone sheath that lays at the top of the nook in a perfect perpendicular. Where human girls had a line, trolls had a “T” in the color of their blood. Until it was time for the sheathe to move aside, and then the bulge would come out to play) and Jake’s first thought was that Equius was hung like a horse. The puns were endless, but that made them no less true. He was HUGE in comparison to either himself or Dirk. It was slick and bright blue, and shiny from Equius’ genetic material.

He was so beautifully blue all over right now, a full body blush?

Jake had always had a thing for blue beauties but never before had the preference extended to anyone who identified as male. All of a sudden forcing Equius to pail himself in Jake’s presence seemed like a really terrible idea, and if he’d smelled like he’d wanted to join them before he shuddered to think how he smelled now.

Equius’ hand slid up and down his writhing length, which in turn wrapped itself around his hand and wrist. Equius squeezed and twisted and pumped what seemed to be a well practiced rhythm. When he started he kept his eyes shut, which made Jake feel better about getting hard watching him, until Equius looked up.

A saint might lose his virtue under those baby blues, and Jake English was far, far from a saint.

Equius pleaded without words as he worked himself over the bucket, Though his other arm stayed at his side Equius’ expression reached out for Jake.

Touch me, hold me, stroke me, want me; I need you, want you, smell you.

Jake struggled to keep the straight face he’d had before from faltering and already knew he’d failed.

Jake stepped forward before he was able to stop himself, just out of the troll’s reach. His composure was shattered, and against his better judgment he leaned forward and whispered, “If only you were mine. If only I could be yours.”

Equius spurted into the bucket, and his duty done, Jake fled to his rooms, as he should have done in the first place, he scolded himself.

Looking down, his erection was obvious, though Jake could hardly bring himself to touch it. That guilt he’d been sure he would feel later, was starting to crop up.

Jake wanted to die, if only because he wanted to fuck his boyfriend’s matespirit. This time instead of jacking off Jake waited for himself to wilt.

He waited for a long time.

End Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let it be known throughout the land that I am a feedback junkie and beg all that enjoy this fic and any others i write to please leave constructive criticism.
> 
> Gifted to Kimya, because I wanted to post the last prewritten chapter while it was still 2012.


End file.
